I have crooked teeth. People like to point this out all the time in what, I presume, is an attempt to destroy me and make me finally commit to a path of ultimate evil. I suppose, if I had a normal life, I would have had braces when I was a kid. But I didn’t have loving, normal parents who raised me. I was raised, instead, by a goat-headed man that only I could see who lived in my bedroom closet and didn’t care about things like my teeth. He only wanted me to paint those funny symbols on the wall of the boiler room of Holy Redeemer in Kensington, MD using the blood of the homeless people that he would have me lure into back alleys of old Silver Spring by dressing me up in a schoolgirl outfit.
Continue reading ‘That Place on My Lip That I Keep Biting’
This weekend, I tried to make a list of ill-conceived sequels that ruined the original movies, but found it hard going. There are so many obvious examples that leap to mind, but most of them can be dismissed, forgiven, or explained away. This left me without an article and once again back to the blank page and the fear that Amazon will remove Greatsociety from their Kindle subscription service whatever thing, and I’ve come to rely on the eight cents a month I earn from that bullshit. Without that eight cents, I won’t be able to pay my monthly hooker. Who, yes, is a white mouse in a tiny adorable tutu. Because that’s all you can get for eight cents. But that’s all I need. Just put her on my penis with a string tied around her and let her scramble for freedom. Hauntingly similar to how I treat all of my girlfriends.
To appease the Kindle gods, I’ll write, instead, about my long journey (one hour on Saturday) rationalizing the existence of some horrible sequels.
Continue reading ‘Bad Sequels and the Men Who Love Them’
One of the things I struggle with is why I so often go girl crazy. I don’t enjoy relationships, I don’t enjoy sex, I want nothing but to be left alone, and, yet, time and time again, I’ll fall instantly in love with a woman and be willing to trade anything for her.
Continue reading ‘The Pattern’
If you’re reading this, then that means [I’ve initiated a highly volatile hostage situation/survived Easter]. Now that the last family-oriented holiday has passed, we enter six blissful months where I don’t have to think about being a functional human being and can, instead, sit under a tree and drink and yell at my neighbors.
Continue reading ’38′
In Sunday school, of course, Easter was always a hot topic. Something about a bunch of guys having an orgy in a room who are accidentally drugged and have a collective hallucination that acts as Event One for 2000 years of mass murder, rape, and extreme inhumanity.
Continue reading ‘Easter’
Having pissed off a bunch of folks with my last article about Amazon’s alarmingly autocratic actions, I feel the need to apologize. I do acknowledge that a small percentage of Kindle owners can, in fact, read at least at the third grade level.
Since I’m inspired to say the above, I’ll go ahead and make sure that this horrible strike against — yes — your freedom stays on your radar. We are now entering the sixth week of the embargo. Five hundred publishers are locked out of Amazon’s Kindle store, and they’re just the tip of the iceberg. More will come. Amazon has made what feels like could be a successful bid to dominate the ebook market. After years of convincing small presses to go their way, this action doesn’t just throttle what you can get on your Kindle, it is designed to destroy small presses. Kitchen table outfits that speak for the weird, the disenfranchised, the new, and the experimental have come to rely on income from ebooks.
Six weeks is good enough to start shutting them down. If this goes on, then more and more will begin to wither and die. These are the people who, mainstream or not, represent the underground. They are where writers can go when their book is shrugged off by the big boys. They are the champions of banned books, and books that would never see the light of day. This isn’t just about electronic publishing. This is about the future of our literary culture.
Continue reading ‘Kindle’s Dark Heart’
Like most normal, sane people, I had put high school behind me. The worst years of our lives, really, no matter how much you try to sugarcoat it. When the 20th reunion party planners contacted me, I was a little bit alarmed that (a) 20 years had passed and (b) those fucking assholes found me. My first reaction was the same kind of shock and horror I felt when they dumped pigs blood on me at the prom and… No, wait. That wasn’t me. But, still. I sympathized with Carrie in those moments. You get them, girl. You get them for all of us!
Continue reading ‘Reunion’
I suppose we’ve all been following this Kindle bullshit, right? If not, you can go read this article, and this one has a roundup of what the media’s been reporting. You owe it to yourself – assuming you possess at least some level of intelligence – to study this development. It’s important. It can hurt you.
Continue reading ‘Kindlenomics’
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