Cheeta is Dead

Nine years ago, I wrote an article titled Cheeta Lives which, as I review it today, appears to have been written under the influence of Sudafed and illegally imported bathtub gin. At the time, Cheeta was 71 years old and living the high life in a retirement home, fawned after by nurses and addicted to bad TV and copies of National Geographic which, apparently, he sat and “read” through cover to cover each month.

On Christmas Day, as the haze of gift-giving and a heavy breakfast rolled into the afternoon, I grabbed the paper and found myself reading Cheeta’s obituary. The obit was, sadly, a little critical, detailing Cheeta’s prima donna attitude on set. His hate for Maureen O’Sullivan – Tarzan’s Jane – was severe and he would bite her and chase her at every opportunity, often ruining multiple takes. O’Sullivan spent the rest of her life referring to Cheeta as “that bastard,” and telling anyone who would listen about the chimp’s transgressions. Cheeta outlived her, but her daughter was on Twitter within moments of Cheeta’s death with a healthy helping of yuletide bitterness, retracted later in the day.

Cheeta’s nurses, however, report that he was a perfect gentleman. And now he’s in pet heaven. Being savaged by one of the Lassies.

Winter Break

I’ll be out of town for a little over two weeks, so I figured that’s a good time for the front page to take a break as well. If you’re bored over the holidays, you can go back and read the “Vignettes.” That’s been my latest writing discipline project that I’ve (surprisingly) stuck to for a few months.

If you’re bored and rich, then my Amazon Wishlist is right here. 455 vampire novels and Doctor Who DVDs. Love it.

What are your weaknesses?

We have a high turnover at my day job because we work for fascists. It’s not really obvious, on the surface, that we work for fascists. It’s this sort of creeping, passive-aggressive thing. After a few years you find yourself in a watchtower at a concentration camp and your supervisor asks you to rape and then dismember an eight year old girl and you go, “Oh. Wait a minute… Where am I?”
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Holiday Interlude

I figured I’d cheat on this article and break from the Vignettes Project. I figure all you folks are in post-family mode. Happy and safe and holiday-drunk, right? And it’s “Black Friday,” which means I should post a link to my Amazon Wishlist! Eighteen pages of cult culture, and I turned on third party ordering so you can get me shit for a penny.
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The Russians Are Coming!

Here’s something you can file under “what was lost” and has not yet been found: The two great 80’s Soviet invasion TV miniseries. On the big screen, in the 80’s, we had Patrick Swayze fighting Cuban paratroopers, the ultimate in jingoism in Reagan’s new America. But it’s what was playing out on the small screen that scared the shit out of us. The Day After, Threads and Testament drove home the point that the nameless, faceless Soviet monsters had nukes pointed at our backyards and, if World War III hit, it would all be over in about twenty minutes. There would be no more noble battles, no more armies clashing. We would simply be vaporized by an unimaginable force. Or, worse, we would survive to die slowly in a poisoned wasteland.
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Drive, They Said

For the last four years, I’ve kind of been stuck in place, emotionally and physically. Years spent tackling the long, arduous process of healing – from chronic pain, to brain surgery, to the newly unclouded realization that life really is a sad, often tedious joke.
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Castle Cary

Just about all of my friends who have travelled extensively by rail in the UK have found themselves, at one time or another, stuck at the Castle Cary station in Somerset waiting for a transfer. Castle Cary almost always creeps into the conversation when exchanging vacation stories.
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On the Canal

I’ve long harbored a secret love for the British canals. My friend’s parents introduced me to the canals many years ago and, slowly, my (semi-)annual visits to the UK have become dominated by cruises with them. So there I was, early 30’s, with a couple of retired folks, moving through cities and countryside at four miles per hour. Healthy food, old movies, and to bed by 9pm.
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Illegal Laundry

This is the lonely time. Crouched in the dark, spooky basement of the old mansion where I work on the weekends. My seasonal weekend job is grinding to a halt, so the mansion is quiet and dark this Friday night. The sounds of music and dancing and caterers shifting equipment doesn’t pound through the floor. The only sounds are the normal sounds of a large, old house, slowly creaking through the late night hours. And the sounds of the washer and dryer in the next room.
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One Percenter

I realized the other day that I haven’t really felt the economic downturn at all. In fact, I’ve been better off these last few years than the last 20. Yes, I work six jobs, but each one of them is secure. At my regular salary serf jobs, I’ve seen huge annual raises, absurd quarterly bonuses, and a general sort of blank stare from bosses and co-workers alike when you mention the economy.
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