Archive for the 'Rants' Category

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Holidays

It’s the music, right? I’ve been in a S.A.D. crash since the 20th and I blame the Peanuts Christmas soundtrack playing at top volume everywhere I go. The bar, the deli, the guy next to me on the bus, and now at a friend’s house. When I ask if we can turn it off, I get blank looks. Like, “Turn what off?  We have always been listening to the Peanuts Christmas soundtrack…”
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Vanquishing Seasonal Depression

I’ve long suffered from seasonal depression, and written desperately about it here, but, this year, I actually feel pretty good about the holidays. Christmas is around the corner and I’m just fine.

How’d I do this? Simple. I’ve spent the past 20 years embracing a culture of hate and anger and I’ve ostracized my entire family, creating irreparable rifts between all of us.

And, before you say how sad that sounds, remember that this is the family that tried to keep my mom’s lover 100 feet from her coffin during the funeral and actively sought legal reps to get all that in place while I sat there stunned and grieving. The family that condemned me when I was 12 merely because I resembled my father. And that’s all just the very tip of the iceberg. That’s, like, the tamest stuff.
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The Strokes

I read the other day that dolphins are the only other animals on earth that masturbate for pleasure. Which sort of put a whole new spin on “sailor’s best friend,” eh? There you are bobbing in the ocean as your ship goes down and here comes a dolphin — kikikiki — and the dolphin lets you grab on as it takes you to safety. Maybe you flop onto a piece of wreckage, or even find land. Then, exhausted, chest heaving, you lay there staring into the stormy skies and…the dolphin jacks off onto your stomach and then swims away. Kikikikikiki!

It wouldn’t be common knowledge, of course. I, for one, wouldn’t share that tidbit when retelling my “saved by a dolphin” story to the local paper.
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The voice across the line

A couple of friends have recently told me that I need to talk about my problems. All the childhood madness, all the fears, all the things that cripple me emotionally. If I talk about these things, then they’ll have no power over me.

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Tommy the Poop Man

When I was a kid, I used to think there was a little man in my stomach who was responsible for handling all of the poop. Day after day, there he was, at the bottom of my stomach, surrounded by vats of bubbling acid, endlessly shoveling poop down a little hole that led to my intestines. Sometimes the hole would get stuffed up and he’d have to jump on the poop to force it through.
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Beautiful Things

Since I now only write articles so that I can keep the GS Kindle subscription active and, therefore, make my precious $3 a month from subscribers who mistakenly think this is a porn site for some reason, I should probably angle towards more light-hearted fare.
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Let them eat static

I often go on about how bored I am. And I am. It’s overwhelming, sometimes. Every single aspect of my life is predictable. Like a show you’ve watched a million times. My entire life is Star Trek II on mute while I sprawl on the couch with a midday gin and tonic and mumble the dialogue, not even bothering to watch the screen. Let them eat static.
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That Place on My Lip That I Keep Biting

I have crooked teeth. People like to point this out all the time in what, I presume, is an attempt to destroy me and make me finally commit to a path of ultimate evil. I suppose, if I had a normal life, I would have had braces when I was a kid. But I didn’t have loving, normal parents who raised me. I was raised, instead, by a goat-headed man that only I could see who lived in my bedroom closet and didn’t care about things like my teeth. He only wanted me to paint those funny symbols on the wall of the boiler room of Holy Redeemer in Kensington, MD using the blood of the homeless people that he would have me lure into back alleys of old Silver Spring by dressing me up in a schoolgirl outfit.
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Ass

I’ve come to appreciate girl’s butts.
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The Pattern

One of the things I struggle with is why I so often go girl crazy. I don’t enjoy relationships, I don’t enjoy sex, I want nothing but to be left alone, and, yet, time and time again, I’ll fall instantly in love with a woman and be willing to trade anything for her.
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