If you’re reading this, then that means [
I’ve initiated a highly volatile hostage situation/survived Easter]. Now that the last family-oriented holiday has passed, we enter six blissful months where I don’t have to think about being a functional human being and can, instead, sit under a tree and drink and yell at my neighbors.
This is also the ramp-up to my birthday on May 10th, which I traditionally celebrate by taking a long weekend and…uh…sitting under a tree, drinking, and yelling at my neighbors. Though, this year, I’ll probably be playing Skyrim in a darkened room while I listen to “Goodbye Horses” at top volume like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs because that’s what cool cats do.
I feel like this is a big year for me. If I can make it through my 30’s without succumbing to some sort of out of control paranoid schizoid psychosis, then I’ve broken the family tradition. So far, I’ve yet to take anyone hostage, drive my car off a cliff, run naked down Georgia Avenue, commit outlandish white collar crimes, murder a hooker and bury her in Flinderation, WV, or collect ears from fallen enemies and ship them back to my loved ones for safekeeping. I’ve managed to avoid being hunted by small blue men who live in my stomach, eating myself to death, and collecting the skulls of children.
This alone, at 38, sets me above most of my family and is even something of a cause celebre at family reunions. I’m the good son.
But…I still have a little ways to go before I officially break the record set by Great Uncle Mathias, who made it to 40 before he blew up his neighbor’s barn because he’d fallen in love with a sheep which was very vocal about what he should and shouldn’t burn down next. Um…allegedly.
You can help me stave off my impending hereditary madness by helping me complete my Doctor Who DVD collection so I’ll spend all my time at home watching every episode in order instead of listening to that fucking sheep who keeps screaming for blood! SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!! Jesus. Sorry about that. Fucking thing won’t shut up.