As a result of boredom and too much wine, I expanded my online presence yesterday with one of those Facebook accounts.
I have no idea what you’re supposed to do with that shit, but everyone seems to be a part of it. Including lots of people from my past that I never want in my life…ever.
Supposedly it’s good for networking. But, really, if it doesn’t get me money or get me laid, I’ll quickly lose interest. Like I did with my Myspace account and, long ago, Livejournal.
But I’m always obsessed with having lots of friends, because that’s a status thing in this internet world. If I have lots of friends, then I’ll be popular and punk rock girls will come to my house and do lines of cocaine off of my penis while I watch vintage Doctor Who episodes and drink gin out of Dixie cups and hum tunelessly to myself…which, ideally, is how I’ll spend my entire winter as soon as my weekend job slows down the middle of next month.
Given that I may or may not have spare time in my near future, maybe I’ll make an effort to update these various social networking shitholes of the internet. I’ll get good and drunk and post whatever shit I’m supposed to.
Though posting while drunk is bad because I sometimes get words confused. For example, I replied to a Freecycle ad for a “rotating media storage tower” because, I swear, I read, “rotating knife tower,” and that just seemed so cool.
Rotating knife tower! Lean it against your neighbor’s door at 5am on a Saturday and then knock! Put it in the kitchen when you have guests and then unscrew the lightbulbs! Drop it in the stall when your girlfriend is taking a shower!
I don’t have a girlfriend, or house guests, or a neighbor who answers his door. But, you know, if I did have those things I’d introduce them to my rotating knife tower. I probably don’t have any of those things, though, because I’m always wearing a Jigsaw puppet Halloween outfit.
I asked in the email if the rotating tower came with knives or if I would have to provide my own. The “Freecycler,” as those faggot cunts refer to themselves, has not replied yet.
Also, Freecycle is a ridiculous scam and I’m convinced I’m really reading ads for prostitutes. “Free pillow: 20901.”
Why would anyone want a used pillow?
Maybe I should post. “Wanted: Rotating knife tower and unsuspecting yet submissive girlfriend to use it on: 20901.”
Dear rotating knife tower, this is free pillow, I charge a low fee to be submissive.
I guess Freecycle is better than Craigslist…which has become a site for prostitutes. Electronics for sale: Real girlfriend experience, meet behind Champion Billiards, Rockville, at 3am Monday.
Which, perhaps somewhat sadly, appeals to me.