I have finally completed my 20 year study on why women think it’s acceptable to stick their fingers up your ass. The results are below.
Tag Archive for 'women'
There was this girl from high school who was extraordinarily beautiful. Blonde, blue eyed, tall, built like a super model. And I mean built like a super model the way you think a super model is built, not the weird Auschwitz giraffes they are when you see them live. The way you think Christie Brinkley circa 1983 looked. Except better, because there was always something sinister about Brinkley…
Anyway, I digress. The point is: Great tits.
One of the things I struggle with is why I so often go girl crazy. I don’t enjoy relationships, I don’t enjoy sex, I want nothing but to be left alone, and, yet, time and time again, I’ll fall instantly in love with a woman and be willing to trade anything for her.
Continue reading ‘The Pattern’
My friends worry about me. I know this. I try to be normal around them but, in the end, it always ends with vodka and a critical analysis of Stargate episodes.
Continue reading ‘Emotionallydamaged.com’
One thing about women I’ve really come to hate is when they say they’re good in the bedroom. Because they never are, are they? Every woman I’ve been with has playfully told me this but, once I get them in the sack, the only thing they’re a master of is some long lost chapter of the Kama Sutra: The Dead Turtle, The Fallen Log, The Elderly Bassett Hound.
Continue reading ‘Hubris’
People think I need a girlfriend. Friends say it’s unhealthy to roll into my 37th year without a girl on board. Despite countless train wrecks, they’re probably right. I’ll soon be moving into an age where it’s oddly creepy for me not to have a girl around. Like my motherfucking neighbor across the courtyard from my apartment. He looks to be about 70, and he always stands at his window staring across at me. Sometimes the lights are on, but sometimes I just see the glint of binoculars or the burning end of a cigarette. Worst, sniper, ever.
I, of course, always stand naked at my window, drinking, mouthing threats. Last Halloween I went through all the prep to cover myself in fake blood and stand there with an axe, but then I think I got really drunk and watched Doctor Who DVD’s instead. I never carry through with the important stuff.
Continue reading ‘On Dating…’
Hello single ladies! I’m Nacho Sasha – DC’s most eligible thousandaire! And I’m open for business!
What do you get if you date me? Not only the time of your life, but the following exciting benefits:
Continue reading ‘Nacho Sasha: Washington’s Most Eligible Thousandaire’
Well, it’s taken twenty years, but I have finally managed to have sex on every desk and at every workstation at my weekend job.
We have an intern here at my thankless day job who’s probably one of the more stunningly beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Tall, with thick dark hair, and a body that defies genetics. No accident of birth here, this woman’s body was devised by an advanced, time travelling AI using nimble factory robots from a thousand years in our future. She’s a construct, and I want her. But, even knowing her android nature, I’m unable to talk to her.
This is largely because my trousers are always stuffed full of candy.
Continue reading ‘The Intern and the Candy Jar’