Some guy in Hawaii, my ass! This is YOUR newspaper, you dirty freaks. I wrote the first edition as an introduction, but from now on I will simply design the page (with a rare contribution when the spirit moves me.) It's up to you freaks to provide the stories and photos. So get cracking and start emailing the material to email@example.com
as soon as possible. I mean it. I'm not kidding. I'll tell your mom if you don't.
SUBMISSION GUIDELINES FOR FREAKY TIMES
(1)Invent a news-type story about anything or anybody. Use your imagination. It's that thing behind your boring rational mind.
(2)Must be funny, but not Monkey's kind of "humor." Sick, depraved, obscene, etc. are all pluses.
(3)Think short -- very short. If your submission goes beyond 4 paragraphs, it better be goddamned hilarious to justify the extra work it will cause me.
(4)SEND PHOTOS! They are absolutely necessary to break up the layout. A submitted item can simply be a photo with a funny caption and no story.
(5)Animations are cool, especially since you can steal them off the web. (We're lawsuit-proof since we own nothing.)
(6)Resist the temptation to submit a chapter from your attempt to write The Great American Novel. It's not funny and it will never be published even if you do finish it, which is extremely unlikely.
(7)After you submit a news item to Freaky Times, don't pester me with questions about when your masterpiece will appear. If you do, I'll delete your story and get drunk.