When asked about my mission statement, my initial response of "...the fuck?" never went over well, so I sat down and started thinking.  Should I have a mission statement?  Of course!  This is a business, after all.  I found a piece of paper in the crawlspace and borrowed a pen from my next door neighbor and started to put one together.  But, then, I realized that my number one goal was "to make a tremendous boatload of money at all costs and burn it all in the backyard while dancing in a circle, chanting oaths to Satan, and masturbating."

The second item on my mission statement was even more dangerous:  "Endless and meaningless encounters with multiple instances of strange pussy."

Next came something a bit more down to earth:  "Make enough so I can buy a fortified compound located at the end of a 25 mile dirt road off of US 250, WVA."

The strange pussy would be difficult to find at the compound but, no worries, Satanic rites would be much easier to perform.  You have to take the good with the bad.  Know what I mean jelly bean?  The Dark Lord loves well water.  The Dark Lord wants an ATV.  The Dark Lord would like to pitch a novel - more of a fictional biography - if it's not too much bother, if it's okay, unless you're busy.  Please.

When I asked my contact in A Major Publisher Near You about organizing a mission statement for my company, she glanced over the top of her teacup and asked if I was planning on sending up satellites or something, then shrugged and advised me to scrawl "To publish books" across a piece of construction paper and hand it out to anyone who gave me a hard time. 

Even if I were to send up a satellite, I'd have just as much trouble composing the mission statement:

Mission:  Classified
Orbit:  Classified
Commanding Officer:  Colonel Jack Brady, USAF, specialist in low orbit tactical release fusion bomb delivery.

Hey, why are you guys wearing those funny suits?

Not your concern, sir.  Did you happen to notice any...shooting stars last night?

Related to the mission statement is the very real and legitimate question regarding what my publishing company specializes in.  I answer, in a steady voice:  "Fiction and creative nonfiction."  What that means is:  "Anything that fucking sells motherfucker."   I'm probably going to start saying that pretty soon.  What do I specialize in?  Jesus goddamned Christ, what do you have?  Is it good?  Probably not.  I don't know why I'm even talking to you. 

Unlike other small publishers, I'm able to steer my company in any direction thanks to the first part of my mission statement.  If I have to sell hate tracts to prison Aryans, I'm glad to do it. 

Good morning.  We sold ten thousand copies of "Chinks are just frustrated Jews" at $8 a pop and the author got shanked in the showers last night.  He has no surviving family or friends.

Well, well, well, jelly bean.