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In My Head is Outer Space |
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Written by nacho
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So what have we covered? Publishers hate you,
you're lazy and can't write and you only need to sell one copy of your
book to each student on the University of Maryland College Park campus
in order to outsell Stephen King. Not quite so romantic, eh? Well, you
did want to make money at this, right? Right? I know it's a calling, I
know it's stuff that comes from the soul and gives you rewards that are
richer and deeper than the meaningless gold stars and sub-supervisory
positions in the office world. I know it's dreams on paper and ideas
from heaven, but you also need to live. In these enlightened days, Lady
Worthington-Smyth isn't going to take you in and set you up in the
disused East Wing - wear my deceased husband's suits and get us more
tea, dear. No, you're in the brave new world and you want to write. And
I mean write, as in that's what you do all day until you take your gin
and juice break.
Let's look at the desired schedule. You want to
make 1.5 million a year doing nothing but writing? Okay, first you need
to write about six books. And, goddamnit, they'd better be popular. How
about a series? A hard boiled detective...searches...
for...a...romance...spaceship...death...sex scene...escapes in final reel...
A series is going to be easier to sell, but the market is flooded, yes?
So you need a series with a unique twist. Have medical training? Maybe
your hero is a doctor. Your best friend is a retired New Orleans cop?
You hold an MA in ancient Greek history? Oh-ho! A Greek doctor
detective...searches...for...romance...death...sex scene...
Son! Sign right here! And on this page. And initial here. And here. And, again, here.
Don't want to get trapped in that pit because you're a (gasp!) real
writer? That's okay, still think series. A string of unrelated fiction
novels can also be a series as far as you're concerned. The point is -
production. Think multiple targets, be they Detective Talking Cat or
the great American novel - part fucking two.
The ideal writing schedule should aim for 280-330 pages, draft one,
finished in four months. Final draft to the editor within nine months.
If you can do it earlier, bully for you. Hey, don't sweat! That's less
than three pages a day to get to draft one.
It'll take the publisher another four months to sort themselves out and
get you on the bookstands so, by the time that hardback hits the
shelves, you should be done with the first draft of your second novel.
See? Easy.
How much will you make? The following is going to read like arcane
demon summoning, but this is something every writer needs to know. Most
don't. Most are hoodwinked by the publishers. My source recently
admitted to me that, if they catch a writer who doesn't count, they'll
play games with the payments. That's a promise.
So your book is finished and sold, and you're not J.K. Rowling (and you aren't - no one is), what do the hard figures look like?
It depends on circumstances, but here's the most common breakdown (as in here's what nine out of ten new
writers will face): You get 10% of the proceeds per copy sold on the
first 5,000 copies. Note that you're not making 10% off of the $22.95
retail price, you're making 10% off of the net price that resellers
pay. A reseller gets anywhere from 20%-50% off on the title, depending
on how many copies they purchase. Say Barnes and Noble purchases 200
copies of your book. List price is $22.95, they get 40% off of that --
$13.77, and you get 10% of that.
As an interesting sidenote, I have the Amazon Associates program
running on most of my websites. Every time a book is sold through that,
I get 15%. Even if a book I don't feature is sold, I get 5%. That's off
the list price, as well. Yep, you got it. Any website on the Amazon
program will make more than you per book sold.
(By the way -- the affiliate program is free and open to everyone. You
don't even need a website to run it. It works on email lists just fine.)
An important thing to keep in mind is that this is based on books sold to the public
- not to the reseller. So 200 copies to B&N, okay, but what if they
return 50 copies? That's taken out of your account. You don't pay, but
it'll determine your royalty amounts. Say 10-20% of titles ordered are
returned, so subtract that from your final balance. Publishers usually
have to wait 6-12 months before they declare an item as "sold". You
won't be waiting a year for money, but at any point in that year
Something Scary could happen. In short, your income is never
guaranteed. Say there's a $300 debit on your royalty account. You don't
get a check until enough of your titles have sold to cover that debit.
After you sell 5000 copies, the royalty goes up according to whatever
you worked out in your contract. By the way, don't forget that your
agent is getting 10% of whatever you're getting.
So if you sell over 5000 copies, you'll typically see a percentage
increase to somewhere between 12-15%. At 10,000 you'll move up a bit
more, and so on. But you'll hit a glass ceiling around the 20-25%
margin. Don't worry, though, only a few get that high. The odds are not
in your favor.
The advance check. Let's say it's $5,000. I've heard of first timers
getting as much as a $12,000 advance. Bang! One, big, untaxed check (so
subtract 30% from that come tax time, and I'll mention the 10% to the
agent again). Of course, you'll get a better deal on future titles if
you write something that sells well. Write three or four "normal"
bestsellers and you'll be getting very comfortable advance checks. (Or
write the next Harry Potter and your advance check for the fifth book
will be 2.5 million.)
How do the returns work? Okay, still the first novel scenario, let's
say B&N orders 1000 copies of your book. After, say, three or four
months, they move you down the ladder. Everyone who needs or wants the
title is supplied and they have 250 copies left which they can get full
credit on, so they send them back to the publisher. Your royalty
account is now debited based on the returns (because you got the juicy
advance check half a year ago). So if it takes three months to sell the
250 copies, you get three months worth of statements but no checks.
Nothing at all. Penniless.
See why I keep blathering about getting your name out there? People
aren't inspired by the Hand of God to go buy your book. If they aren't
buying, then you're starving. This is why you want multiple books out
there, and you won't get ahead until you do. If Jane's Heaving Bosom isn't selling, that's okay because Jane's Adventures in Pink is moving just fine.
Alternatively, if your book moves like hotcakes and you are the next
J.K. Rowling, then stop reading now because there are bigger checks in
the mail and you can become an alcoholic who flubs the deadlines
because the publisher loves you. Actually, Rowling sells millions of
copies. She's a bad example - she's unique. All you have to do to make
the publisher happy is sell 15-20,000 copies. Hard sales, no returns.
You'll be treated like Herod the Great. Rowling, of course, is Jesus.
Got it? Now get this: You're not special. Your 1000 page grief project won't move.
I was sitting at dinner the other night, drowning myself in alcohol and
chatting with my source for these articles. He was telling me a story
about Marc Leepson, author of the best-selling Saving Monticello,
with whom he had had lunch with earlier that day. Leepson wrote up his
book and had an obvious winner on his hands. He tried to sell it.
Nothing. Shot down a dozen times until, finally, he managed to move it
with one of Simon & Schuster's imprints. Amongst the folks who
refused him (rudely, coldly, cruelly) was the University of Virginia
Press. So Simon and Schuster put out the hardback, it sold like
firewater and guess who made an exaggerated and expensive bid (and won)
the paperback rights? You got it, UVA Press. Karmic vengeance. They
rejected him immediately when the proposal hit a few years ago, then
they came crawling back with their checkbook between their legs.
How'd he beat rejection? When all looked hopeless, when the absinthe
and the shotgun shells were all lined up on the kitchen table, he
decided to chop out a snappy section from his manuscript-in-failure and
turn it into a magazine article, which he moved because magazines are
desperate and hungry. He didn't make any money, but it was a laurel for
his head and the publishing world always takes notice of things like
that. After repeating this formula successfully, Simon and Schuster
knew when he was coming and had the door open when he got there.
So that's getting your name out. Make a splash, even though it looks to you like you're in the kiddie pool.
Presentation
Presentation! Before and after you do the work. Vitally important. Put
together a groovy website...oh my God, is it a zine? Maybe. But don't
post all 1000 pages of Jane's Journey to Lesbos.
No, post a little at a time. The rest of the space is about
newsletters, funny articles, insights, writers resume stuff. Be classy
about it - you know, not like Greatsociety.org. Don't kill your viewer,
but do keep stringing them along. This is Totally Annoying when you're
starting out but, let's say you have a book on the way or out there
already... Hmmm. Your URL is on the inside jacket and you are On Hand to
talk to your 298 fans. That, I'll have you know, is like selling crack.
Those 298 people will come to the site every day and fervently read
your stupid cast off articles. What is the worth of a single person?
Well, in our example above, it's $22.95. Again and again and again...
Until they die, then, I hope to God, their children inherit my books.
For the just starting out crowd, aim for the hack and slash routine.
Magazine articles, webzine articles, this article is from my work in
progress, I've mailed 50 agents and publishers and bought a box of
bullets... Maybe you have your webpage - something like Jody Reale
is doing - so every little thing you get out there features your name
and web address. Readers come to check you out. You trap them under a
box and pile books on top of it. There you go.
The greatest failing of every writer is to get locked in their head. To
think that they are writing the great American novel. To think that
their idea is original, can't be beat, it'll sell like Viagra. Not
true. Get out of that line of thought. Train yourself to step away from
the self-involved egomania. You'll have plenty of time for that after
you get published but, when starting out, you must concentrate on
selling yourself to the public...and that doesn't mean your girlfriend
and your group of close friends that are tortured by guilt and fear
when you send them all 1800 pages of Jane's Labiamania (single spaced, single sided, 8 point cursive font). You need to write for 5000 people...10,000. My God, 3.6 million Jane and the Sorcerer's Shaft fans!
I know where you are. You need to do it. You need to write. It's a
calling, a drug, it hurts you, you're incomplete without it. So don't
waste all of the blood, sweat and tears in the Realm of Masturbation!
Focus, write to sell, pound out a couple of books and leave the cubicle
behind... Lecture, tour, talk to people in Hollywood, continue writing,
consider the pop-up scratch and sniff Jane's Adventures companion book for children.
But you have to get the opinion of friends, right? Okay, first thing
you do is say to yourself: They'll hate it. I'm a loser. I'm a failure.
Then you'll be telling the truth when you say "be brutal and honest."
Explain to them that you've surrendered all hope so nothing they can
say will hurt your friendship in any way. And mean it.
Now, print out the first 25 pages and take the friend in question to
the bar. Briefly explain the story to the friend while buying them
drinks, then give them the 25 pages and tell them that's all they need
read. If they want more, they've got it. If not, great. Suggestions,
comments, or don't say a thing. Whatever.
This "capsule novel" idea is also how you should approach agents and
publishers and we'll get to that next time. Just remember - your friend
will hate your guts if you hand them a 10 pound box with your novel in
it. If you're a good writer, you'll hook someone in 5-10 pages. Or less
(preferably). That's all the agent/editor will look at, you know.
Everyone in the publishing world will make a decision in the first 5
pages. So if you can't hook them, you need to ask why. If you can, and
if your friend asks for the rest of the work, well, you just made a
major first step.
You may believe that the only way to "do the story justice" is send 100
pages but, let me repeat what your 8th grade English teacher taught you
- quality not quantity. For the initial sale, too much is going to land
you in the trashcan. It's not about the story. It's about the writing. |
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Newsflash |
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For the love of god, we've changed the front page. Stop emailing me! You now have to go to WWW.GREATSOCIETY.ORG. Just lose the "fpm" up there. These are the archives. |
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