Saga of a Star World (Battlestar Galactica: The Series)

I was driving home from work, chattering happily to myself and
pretending that I was a sardonic and highly popular columnist for a
weird west coast pop culture zine catering to rebels of all ages. I
often do this, thinking up various cutting-edge article ideas and
interviews with punks and rebels and aging Leftists. I also imagine
myself as the torchbearer for the Clara Schwartz case. Not in the sense
of providing an apologia for her, but more or less using her as a prime
example on certain modern day gender and generational problems. I’ll
revisit that later. What’s really important is that, after I pulled
into my driveway and slammed into four plastic trashcans, what did I
find waiting on my doorstep? Or, as UPS likes to say, what did I find
“SIGND: NONE DRIVER LEFT UDER MAT”? I found the gigantic Battlestar
Galactica DVD box set. The box measures in at a whopping nine by ten
and a half inches and on the front is a giant, silver Cylon head with a
“lenticular eye” that sort of works. Hey, it makes me go.

The set doesn’t look big in the pictures but, dear Jesus, it’s a
mother. Inside, we have six goddamned discs containing all the
episodes, three hours of deleted scenes, an interview with Glen
“Sellout” Larson, the standard boring documentary, some stuff on the
rock-hard music, another boring documentary on the Cylons, commentary
on the pilot with Apollo, Starbuck and Boomer (woo!), and a total
audio/video remastered freakout kiss me hard experience.

I was, for lack of a better description, cumming in my pants. Or, as my
grandmother always says, “overly stimulated”. This is a momentous
occasion for me. The mostest favrotiest show from my youth makes it
onto DVD and, yes, it may be a little naff but, hey, it’s really cool
so shut up and stop trying to make me cry.

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Maybe I should give you a background. An in-depth analysis of Nacho,
circa six years of age, watching BG. The tale of a geeky nerd whose
life was over as soon as he saw his first episode of Space: 1999. Ready? Here we go:

I liked double chocolate brownies.

That’s it! The end of my deep analysis.

So let’s move on to BG. It gets a bad rap. The naysayers tell you that it copies Star Wars
hook, line and sinker. Now, let’s pause there. BG is about a group of
Humans, the twelve “tribes” of a mother planet called Kobol, who have
each settled on twelve habitable planets and done well for themselves.
They live in peace with various non-Human races and explore the stars
in search of something or other. But, all of these peaceable races are
threatened by the robotic monsters called Cylons, originally created as
hominid servants for a race of extinct reptile people.

The Cylons are understandably bitter about their servitude, capable of
self replication and are, perhaps, under the direct command of an
omnipotent, Satanic evil. With all that going for them, what’s there to
do but build a war fleet and hurt people? They move in and start
exterminating everyone, but hit a wall when it comes to the Human race.
When it comes to hurting things, we know how to do it right. The Cylons
are a little taken aback. BG picks up a thousand years after the
conflict began when, with the aid of a rogue Human aristocrat, the
Cylons pull a Trojan Horse maneuver that not only destroys the entire
Human battlefleet, but also their central planets – leaving a
scattering of distant colonies, a few hundred ships and one badly
damaged Battlestar (which is a big, fat aircraft carrier).

So the “rag-tag, fugitive fleet” sets off on a quest inspired by
two-bit crypto-archeology dug up on the long dead homeworld which
suggests that a 13th tribe headed in the opposite direction from all
the others. A group who may not even exist but, if they do, then they
were all chattering about this place called Earth. So, away the fleet
goes in search of Earth. They’re doggedly pursued by the treacherous
aristocrat, who is given command of three Cylon base ships. Along the
way, they discover a string of colonies that have been cut off during
the war, behind enemy lines as it were, and who have reverted into a
weird sort of steam-punk dark age. But they can’t linger anywhere for
long because the Cylons now greatly outgun them.

The Cylon motivation: Kill them all. For sport. The Human goal: Find
Earth and hope to the Lords of Kobol that they have enough strength to
show the pursuing Cylons what for because, well, AAAHHHH!!!

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So… Does that sound like Star Wars to you? There are no Jedi masters. In fact, there’s no spiritualism whatsoever. The critics who condemn the show as “Wagon Train
in space” are closer to the mark. It’s the last of the 70’s journeyman
sci-fi series. But…not really. While the Galactica does spend an awful
lot of time going from planet to planet, it spends an equal amount of
time screwing stuff up in space.

It’s one of the only series that takes a hard look at the cost of the
war, the mindset of the people after the apocalypse. If you read my Space 1999
review, you’ll remember that I touched on the quiet freakout of
Moonbase Alpha’s crew – unused to being under an absolute commander,
despairing that they could never get home, and totally space crazy.
This is especially true in that show’s first season.

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Galactica does one better – though distracted by the uber-high budget
(at the time, it’s just goofy 25 years later), the Galactica’s central
sub-plot revolves around the social tension. Twelve planets are blasted
to hell, and the survivors are stuffed onto a couple hundred civilian
ships not meant to hold more than cargo. With little food, water and
fuel, it’s up to the Galactica and the surviving military folks to tend
to the thousand or so surviving humans. And they can’t do it. After the
spectacular destruction of the home worlds, the bulk of the three-hour
pilot episode concerns itself with the state of affairs in the fleet.
The rich are hoarding food, the poor are dying, the military are at
odds with the elite and powerful, the Cylons are just about 29 minutes
behind, the general populace believes they were betrayed by the
military and nobody wants to be under martial law. To make matters
worse, there’s only a handful of qualified fighter pilots.

After two episodes (the pilot and a two-part follow up), we get into
some character builder episodes. The typical stuff. Leave the subplots
behind and mug faces for a bit. Starbuck and Apollo and all of our
favorites do their thing in backwater colonies that have gone deeply
insane. A few months later, though, Patrick Macnee comes along for a
ride. He’s Satan, don’t you know. Or the equivalent. The creator of the
Cylons, the man behind all evil in the universe, an ultimate walk
through walls control the natural order of things dark creature.

Whilst he’s pursued by angels of light (eventually headed by Edward
Mulhare, in a later episode), it takes a while for our boys to catch on
to his nefarious actions. Think of Macnee as Q, from the Next
Generation. (In fact, that’s just what he is.) He knows an opportunity
when he sees one, and he strikes hard with the power of the starving
masses on board the broken down fleet. The devil has a sweet song. He
strikes so hard that the military has no hope of keeping the flood
back. Even though the angels win the day (sort of), the remainder of
the series, from that point, is haunted by the problems that appeared
in the pilot. Fred Astaire appears in a pitifully comic episode that
shows how the masses are being mollified by addictive gambling and
criminal behavior (commercial gambling and prostitution dens are set up
far from the limited reach of the Galactica… And the Galactica could
care less because, yes, the Cylons are still 29 minutes behind them).
After that, rebel factions attempt to steal ships, prison barges become
packed, and the discovery of the “Terrans” marks the end of martial law
and the rise of a civilian council and army. All actions on their part
are all-advised and naïve, but the voice from Galactica has little
ability to control the situation. The series is coolly set-up for a
massive civil war between the Galacticans and the starving, suffering
civilian masses who have prematurely thrown off the yoke of military
rule.

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Alas, the series suffered an ignoble fate long before we got to explore any of that yummy stuff.

Now, I’m singling out a series-long sub-plot. The stories themselves
all revolve around Our Heroes – long haired white folk, and their
cynical black friend, all in polyester. There’s a handful of Get Away
from Galactica stories, as well, where Our Heroes get to make out with
underaged women, get involved in wild west shootouts, explore Terran
cities and kill Nazi’s.

Ah! I’m ahead of myself. Here’s where the series ended – The Galactica
executes a maneuver known as “The Audience Doesn’t Understand the
Explanation” and crosses over into a new galaxy, leaving the Cylons
behind. In this new galaxy they encounter the highly advanced Terrans.
One side is a group of peace loving salt of the earth types (the
Western Nationalists) while the opposing force (the…uh…Eastern
Alliance) are a bunch of trigger-happy, European-accented,
submarine-spaceship building nuclear freaks. The Eastern Alliance has
an axe to grind that not even the angels of light can figure out.
Fortunately, none of them can build a ship as big as the Galactica. So,
in the same episode where Our Heroes say that the Terrans are highly
advanced, they also say that they aren’t highly advanced. Hello
Scriptwriter! Time for more coffee, I think.

The stories quietly peter out and, inexplicably, the final episode of the series involves a strike on a Cylon ship.

The series returned for a third season as Galactica: 1980. While the 2003 Sci-Fi Channel remake will be borrowing elements from Galactica: 1980, I’m going to ask you, politely, to never mention that fucking series to me. Ever. I’ll cut your gizzard out if you do.

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For those of you truly in the dark, BG saw some big stars: Lorne
Greene, Dirk Benedict, Ed Begley, Jr, Jane Seymour (her first role),
Rick Springfield (before the pop career), John Colicos (a veteran
sci-fi character actor), Claude Earl Jones (yes, that’s right), Britt
Ekland, Lloyd Bridges, Fred Astaire (his last role), Brock Peters,
Edward Mulhare, Patrick Macnee, and many others you’ve seen a dozen
times.

Let’s drop the whole Star Wars complaint. And who remembers Wagon Train?
Forget about the Scientology overtones (which are: Man came from space,
is pursued by reptile robot monsters). Look past the polyester, the
long hair, and occasionally goofy episode. The cast is top notch, the
action can’t be beat. For 1978 and 1979 this show kicked you in the
nuts. Things explode, people die, and trouble is always brewing. The
sub-plot of society on the skids is strong enough to hold true whenever
the topic is touched on. You get Satan, mean aristocrats, God and
nuclear war. There’s resurrection, destruction and bad robots with
sabers. There are bugs that eat people, space mines, and smart-alecky
computers. There’s a big, dumb robot dog and the intensely annoying
Noah Hathaway as Boxie the Boy Wonder. Jane Seymore gets crushed by
heavy rocks, women wear tight jumpsuits, and Nazi’s run the prison
kitchen. There are alien football players with bolas, men in chains and
women with large guns. Androids perform painful Laurel and Hardy
routines, Dirk Benedict becomes a cynical angel, and even the Cylons
get to crack jokes in the face of imminent destruction.

You just can’t say no.

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Certainly grab these before the Sci-Fi Channel version comes out, where
Boomer and Starbuck are played by women, Adama is tied to his command
chair by the “president of the colonies,” the Cylons are Victoria’s
Secret models and the only black person is a sappy desk clerk with
light skin. We’ve gone backwards, kids! In 1978, a black man (Boomer)
was our number three hard-hitting hero! Well, until Anne Lockhart
(June’s daughter) came along in the second season. Second in command
was the logical yet emotional Colonel Tigh played by Terry Carter, also
a black man. This is the only sci-fi series before Deep Space 9 that put blacks in lead roles. I guess Sci-Fi is afraid of that in 2003, eh?

Here’s your episode guide:

 

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Saga of a Star World

In the three hour pilot (!!), all hell breaks loose. It’s the
apocalypse as all the Battlestars are destroyed, the home worlds are
blasted to hell and the Galactica leads 220 civilian ships on a
desperate race to salvation. John Colicos pursues, bugs eat flesh and
an after-apocalypse party goes terribly wrong. Hey, all the lights are
out on Sub-Level 3. Let’s check it out!

Lost Planet of the Gods

The two hour follow-up to the three hour pilot sees almost everyone
sick except for the young Cadets who Could. Meanwhile, a wedding
planned on the surface of ancient Kobol ends in trouble when that wacky
John Colicos rolls in, unnoticed, in a huge, roaring, rumbling Cylon
tank. Lorne Greene finds proof that Earth exists, so at least he has an
excuse to be fanatical and insane.

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The Lost Warrior

The Wild West episode! It’s High Noon for Apollo, and he has to face
off a rogue Cylon in the town square. But fighting is wrong. He refuses
to pick up his gun… And the Cylon is getting testy.

Can’t we just work this out?

No. Die. Human.

No, really, let’s talk. Mano a killer machino.

The Long Patrol

Starbuck’s deep recon ship armed with an over-sexed computer
crash-lands on a colonial world that lost contact with the home planets
about 600 years ago. Guess what? They’re fucking insane!

Gun on Ice Planet Zero

It’s the Guns of Navarone! Except on an ice planet. Inhabited by blonde clones. And lumberjack clones. And a crazy scientist.

The Magnificent Warriors

After two months of pursuit, the Cylons have a brilliant idea: Destroy
the three agro ships, all of which are poorly defended. After all,
these are the only sources of food for the starving fleet…and they’ve
always known that…so…instead of attacking the well-defended Battlestar
like they’ve been doing constantly…they…

Well, no matter. It works. So now the entire Galactica command crew
needs to go to another colony that has not only been out of contact and
gone insane, but is ruled by X-TRO and his brain-eating minions. Yay!

The Young Lords

Starbuck, again! This time he crash lands on a marsh world where only children survive, and Cylons rust.

Starbuck crashes lots of ships.

The Living Legend

The Galactica hits the empire of Gamoray, only to find that it’s been
annihilated by a Cylon advance force. They also find Lloyd Bridges
commanding the Battlestar Pegasus, which had broken away from the
apocalyptic battle and survived in secret. Two Battlestars? Lucky day…
The Cylon advance force only has a small fleet of ships and the three
basestars with John Colicos are out of supply. So, with that in mind,
we’ll split our forces, right? And the Galactica will stay here while
the Pegasus will make a suicide run and we’ll launch all of our vipers
in another direction and …then…we’ll lose. Hmmm…

Fire in Space

Galactica. On fire.

Commercial break.

Galactica. Still on fire.

Commercial break.

Galactica…… On fire.

War of the Gods

Satan, pursued by angels of light, steals women, haunts John Colicos,
destroys the military dominance and scares everyone with corpses and
lightning. Curiously, the democratic process in the fleet is
jump-started by Satan. Patrick Macnee does a great job at being
seriously disturbing, and the angels of light do an even better job at
being vague.

“Who are you?”

“We are…you…with a…and, well, we’re a race…beyond…with…
Anyway, we’re sorry about what happened. Here’s your ship. Good-bye.”

“But –”

“No! Good-bye!”

The Man with Nine Lives

Fred Astaire. No dancing.

Murder on the Rising Star

Spacemen in underwear do battle. Plus, there’s a murder mystery! Ah, if only the Galactica were on fire… (Jesus, please!)

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Greetings from Earth

The Terrans are encountered, and the Eastern Alliance is inexplicably
mean-spirited. Starbuck gets himself trapped in a tight space, Apollo
gets a kiss and Nazis in cramped spaceships learn that the Galacticans
have bigger guns.

Baltar’s Escape

Everybody needs a John Colicos episode! On today’s menu: Kill Everyone!

 

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Experiment in Terra

So God, you see, is this Englishman. He needs help…to…stop this war,
right? So he takes Starbuck, okay, and Starbuck’s job is to convince
the president of the Western Nationalists on Terra to ask the president
of the Eastern Alliance why everyone can’t just get along.

Breaking the precedent set in “The Living Legend,” the Galactica
abandons the fleet and does some neat stuff. Too bad they didn’t do
that when it counted for something, eh? The angels of light do bother
to give out some useful information, for a change.

Take the Celestra

A rebel faction goes crazy. It’s the Achille Laro episode!

The Hand of God

Uh…so, the Cylons, who were left way behind in another galaxy six
episodes ago, are suddenly in front of the Galactica so, uh, Starbuck
and Apollo have to sabotage the Cylon command ship by getting on
board…and…bomb…in control center…and… Well, whatever. Things blow up.
Series ends on a poorly written note. Dreams are dashed.

* * *

So the Sci-Fi channel will begin their series, which will take “the
best” of BG and Galactica: 1980. In some ways, I approve. The robot
Cylons have become evil clones (that’s from 1980), and the quest for
Earth is there while the military is at odds with the civilian
government. The 2003 BG civilian government looks to be a bit stronger
than the 1978 BG government. Oh, here’s hoping. It just looks so silly…