Boble: 2009 Interlude
The first version of the Boble, written during my freshman year in high school, ended after “Exit, Stage Everywhere.” I’d written it as a lark. Partially to come to terms with my mom’s somewhat overbearing “born-again” Catholic nonsense that she adopted after my father left, and, more importantly, because I was bored. I’m always bored.
I poured over the Bible, which was my only birthday gift in 1987, and wrote the childish mockery of all the high points that you’ve been reading for the last few months. In the end, I had over 70 pages. For a high school freshman, that was impressive.
In the following school year, I took a theater class and was forced to confront one of my greatest fears: Public speaking. We started out delivering speeches and reciting monologues and shit like that. I don’t know what my malfunction was, but I decided to read the Boble to the class. It was, somehow, an instant success. For an entire semester, I was asked to step up and read the Boble in five minute chunks…all the way through to the somewhat rushed conclusion of Exit, Stage Everywhere.
Then a new problem emerged: In the midst of the small bump in popularity that the Boble gave me, people started asking if there was more. The pressure was on, as I slowly emerged from my protective shell. People I had feared and admired were suddenly my new friends, and I found myself hooked on the ability to not only speak in front of 30 peers, but to have their attention, and hear their reactions.
But how to continue? The Bible starts to get a bit more complicated after Exodus, and a bit more boring. In fact, from the writing viewpoint, I was long since bored with the Boble. Exit, Stage Everywhere suffers greatly from that, and I haven’t ever been able to go back and flesh it out. So I decided to take a Cliff’s Notes approach to the remainder of the Old Testament. I skimmed through, landing only where there were important stories – Samuel, David, Job, etc – and, a year later, with a different attitude towards the work, the first major change in tone started. BOB shifted slightly from the manic-depressive, often absentee meddler into a more cunning deity. The first wave was in 1990, with many more non-Biblical BOB scenes. The background workings of Bob Heavens began to emerge, and BOB himself started to enjoy the talk show and radio circuit.
By 91, after the Old Testicle was finished (at a whopping 140 pages), a re-edit delved even deeper into the new BOB, and the Bob Heavens “interludes.” BOB was awarded a lieutenant in the form of redheaded angel Binaca, and the somewhat nefarious plan for the coming of Bob Jr. was introduced. Further, we discovered that BOB had stolen creation from our true god – the Blood Mistress Kraal (who had been dating BOB).
This narrative injection was intended to keep me sane as I paged through the Bible. A way to escape the restrictions of just writing a pure parody – something that didn’t interest me and, given that I was a social misfit in high school, incapable of pulling off.
Meanwhile, the Boble’s popularity led to recorded and filmed readings, controversial posters spread throughout the school, and free copies run off for anyone who was interested (the “Anarchistic Red” and “Intellectual Black” editions). It was in 90 when the “First Church of God BOB Scientist” was founded (though the principle people involved had been hanging out together since 88). We all had little cards made up, and took our roles fairly seriously. Which was easy, considering that the only religious duties involved driving around fields and parking lots.
The “Co-Popes” were officially appointed in that same theater class, while my teacher looked on. Two rivals saw this as an affront and we had our first schism: The First Reform Church. Which actually bothered me more than it should have.
While I plastered the walls of the stairwells with absurd posters, battled the Reform Church at the lockers before class, and became increasingly obsessed with the Boble, I failed to fully comprehend that anything real was happening. Yet here I am, still throwing up chunks of this madness. A part of me secretly loves the Boble, and I’m thinking that, perhaps, I just can’t leave it alone.
So, next week, we’ll dive into the second half of the Old Testicle. I have edited some content out. My original goal was to reprint The Boble here in its entirety, so I guess you should know that I’m breaking my word. I’m dropping the chapter titled “A Bobological Study of The New Promised Land,” which is actually just a few pages that clumsily summarized everything from Leviticus to Ruth. A shameful thing for me to do, really. We pick up again with the Book of Samuel (or the Book of Kings for you Catholics).